State of the Union, Satirical Edition

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Every year, except for the first year of a new president’s term, the President of the United States makes an address to a joint session of congress reporting on the status of America’s economy and detailing his or her’s administrations policy goals for the upcoming year. This address is called the State of the Union. If you have yet to find your annual drinking game rules for this year’s address by Donald Trump (which he’s giving tonight), well here you go.

While modern editions of these addresses are highly official political shows with all the pomp and circumstance an event of the state purposes, they weren’t always speeches given in person. In fact, as recently as the Jimmy Carter administration, they were often just letters written by the president and sent to congress. For terribly terrified public speakers like myself, this written address is a much more comforting method. So please read on for what a President Trump’s State of the Union’s address with a focus on technology might look like.

CYA Disclaimer: This is a satirical take on the state of current affairs, the expressed content is purely for comic effect, and does not indicate actually opinions or political leanings of the author or this website, nor does this article purport to know what President Trump or his affiliates thoughts and views actually are. 

 

Mr. Speaker, Mr. Vice President, Members of Congress, My Boss Lord Vladimort, My Dark Overlord Cthulhu, My Fellow Top 1% of Americans, and Other Global Elites who Give Me Money,

pence.jpgTonight marks the 30th day of 2018, and only 1008 more days until the next presidential election. So, as much as everyone loves me and can never get enough of me since I’m like really smart and a very stable genius or something, I’ll keep this short so you can get back to enjoying your new tax and stock market money that I alone have given you, and work on reelecting me and keeping those liberal Democrats out of office; soon-to-be-President Mike Pence will be very appreciative of your efforts.

hillaryThe state of our technology is great, but could be better. Despite much investments and advancements by the smartest and brightest minds that the NSA and my private Gestapo has to offer, we have yet to develop a technological system to recover deleted emails from a private server. LOCK HER UP! LOCK HER UP! Oh wait… you guys aren’t from the bayou’s in Pensacola. Regardless, now that I’ve removed the corrupt deep state officials from the justice department who would protect my political opponents, our great and glorious investigation into Crooked Hillary’s email servers can go on unabated.

bannon.jpgThanks to the great philosophical minds of Steve Bannon and the Breitbart Real News Organization, which is an actual news organization, and not some libelous fake news shop like CNN or the failing New York Times, we have developed an awesome amazing best ever domestic governing policy of ‘the Deconstruction of the Administrative State‘. This governing philosophy has enabled me to appoint the best and brightest minds who donated to my campaign to position of near total power, against the interests of the liberal beltway establishment swampthings. Now some of my unpatriotic and disloyal critics have argued that a few of my appointees may not be qualified based on so called ethics or credentials. To them, I say, you’re sore losers, so sad, too bad. As president, I am America, I am the law. So, if I say someone is qualified based on their loyalty to me, then they are qualified. End of discussion.

paiNow, one of these absolutely loyal, er, I mean, qualified appointees is Ajit Pai. Ajit, a true American hero, had a worrying concern and a dream. He was troubled that pesky governmental policies and regulations were really intrusions into American business owner’s rights. Regulations like net neutrality were unfairly targeting businesses and preventing them from making more money in order to enhance the mythical deep state lie of consumer protections or environmental concerns. Consumers don’t need protections, and global warming is a myth. They need to be giving businesses more of their money instead of trying to fight the businesses rights to their money. Anyway, Ajit had the dream of undoing these regulations, so he came to me, and requested I appoint him head of the FCC so he can undo the harmful and unfair regulatory policy of net neutrality which instead of allowing businesses to make billions of dollars, only allowed them to make millions of dollars while granting consumers too much power over their internet access. I agreed, and now goodbye net neutrality, hello greater profits for my golfing buddies at Verizon.

Rick PerrySpeaking of pesky regulations, I have proudly cut many pesky environmental regulations. My three industry-friendly conservative cabinet members, Scott Pruitt, Ryan Zinke and uh..who’s the third one there? uh.. uh … I forget… oh wait, Rick Perry are doing wonders fighting phony fraudulent scientists and their pesky politicized witchcraft in order to cut the crap, get rid of environmental regulations, and enable our great American enterprises, the truest symbol of American freedom, to thrive. We are now letting these great American campaign-funding businesses to drill, baby, drill. Who needs sea turtles anyway? If they were meant to survive, Jesus wouldn’t have put America on top of the food chain and anoint me on top of America. We’ve opened up the coasts for seabed drilling, with some exceptions. It’s an eyesore for the tourists and wealth serving industries at Mar-a-Lago and the good folks in Florida had the proper sense to vote Republican, so using my discretion, we have exempted Florida from coastal drilling. But for the other states on the coasts who were dumb enough and disloyal enough to vote for Crooked Hillary, screw you. My conservative big oil campaign donating pals are drilling off your coast weather you like it or not, deal with it. Being in power has advantages, and I’m using the levers of state to punish you for your disloyalty to me. It’s good to be the king.

sessionsSince I’m anointed by Jesus to be your ruler, we are using our state technology to keep America pure. The dispossession and oppression of rich, white, heteronormative, Christian males has precluded us from retaining any real power. For too long Immigrants, Muslims, Jews, Gays, Women and *shudders* Darkies have been keeping us down. This is why I’ve banned Muslims from entering our country, but shhhh, don’t tell the courts that. Vice President Pence and I are also fighting against the terrible Roe v Wade and other affronts to the truly faithful by pushing religious freedom policies in order to restore the Christian faith and patriarchy to the top of the social and political ladder, at the expense of the Jews, Gays, Feminists and Muslims who would like to subvert America’s male-dominated white family suburbia 1950s ideal. To this end, I’ve ordered my fellow Klansman and frienemy Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III to have the census bureau record citizenship status and religious affiliation in the next census. We could use this data to finally push through our registry of Muslims, and even one of Jews with the latest and greatest database technology.

ice.jpgHowever, there is one group of people that are even less loyal to me than the Muslims or Jews, and that is the immigrants. We are building that big beautiful wall folks, and we are using the latest drone and sensor technology to enhance it’s efficiency. The Qin Dynasty wished they had this fabulous and gorgeous technology when they were building their wall, because then they might have actually kept out the Huns. We, on the other hand, will keep out the Mexican rapists and criminals, with their calves the size of watermelons due to the amount of drugs they are bringing in. For those illegals crime-breakers that are already here, we’ll deport them en masse thanks to the advancements in law enforcement surveillance technology we have developed. Some of my disloyal Democratic obstructionists in the audience invited a few of these so called Dreamers to witness this greatest of speeches tonight, well, we’ll get back to you in a moment.

nunes.jpgSpeaking of law enforcement and our great men and women of the blue who are in the line of fire every day, I am here to help you. We just revamped and renewed FISA, allowing you to continue domestic surveillance and wiretapping against those who would do us wrong. I am also fighting the liberal treehuggers in Silicon Valley to end criminal encryption software that makes it hard to impossible for law enforcement to see a suspect’s phone or computer data and their communications. This is putting agents, officers and detectives in harms way by making them go into the public and do actually detective work, so we won’t let the criminal endangerment and abetting by Silicon Valley stand, and the politicians who shelter them are just guilty as sin and will be removed.

putin.jpgFurthermore, my FSB handler, Vladimir Putin, would like all of you Silicon Valley fools to know that neither Russia nor China have compromised our social media, infiltrated or hacked our public and private networks, nor wormholed their way into our infrastructure. In no way what so ever have the Russians meddled in our internal affairs. The Russians have notified me that they find this political witch hunt into this so-called collusion charge harmful to my standing with them. I’ve given them access to our nuclear codes via poor personal security standards and me clicking the link in a suspicious email without thinking. I have no reason to distrust the Russians, so please, drop this bogus Russian collusion investigation before it becomes a serious matter of state. Continuing the investigation is proof of disloyalty to me, and grounds to start a nuclear war with Russia, China or North Korea, which i will deem to be treason, and handle accordingly.

trumpIn short, the State of our Union is the best it’s ever been ever under any president in history ever, but could be better. We need more loyal followers of me, and less dissension among the ranks. We need to purify our society, and end technological practices that harm business interests or our ability to continuously spy on the population to seek out disloyalty towards me. We need more of the unwashed lowlife proletariat’s capital and taxable income to flow to the Trump Organization. To you Democratic congressmen who invited Dreamers as your guests to this address, ICE and I would like to thank you. ICE agents are standing by to take custody of them and drive them back across the border where they belong. To the rest of you loyal subjects, my hands are the biggest and most beautifully sized hands you’ll ever see. God bless you all, in Jesus’s name, Amen.

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